Thursday, June 5, 2008

A Tinfull of Daylight

When I was a schoolboy battler, I had a beaut money box that was shaped and looked like the Commonwealth Bank building in Martin Place, Sydney. Incidentally, that was when we, the people, owned the Commonwealth Bank, and two-way traffic used to go up and down Martin Place.

Every Tuesday, at primary school, we used to be able to operate our bank accounts. We could open accounts, make deposits and make withdrawals, with the headmaster acting as the teller. Upon opening an account, we received a free one of these money boxes, and if we filled it, we could take it to school or the bank, deposit its contents, and receive a free replacement money box. I used the money box to house any spare pennies, ha’pennies and threepences that I might have. When family finances would allow, I was able to deposit the odd sixpence at school and then swell with pride when I saw the entry in my fabric-paper covered passbook. At one stage, my balance actually reached ₤2-2s-6d (two pounds, two shillings and sixpence.) This gave me a reserve against which I could draw, on special occasions, to buy little novelty gifts for my family members.

Now, even in primary school, I did not consider it rocket science (even though I had never heard the term, “rocket science”) that savings were something that you put aside in a safe place at times when you had a surplus (even if a very modest surplus) so that they could be drawn on at later times of scarcity or special need.

In adult years, I have been the unwilling, kicking and screaming victim of the greatest hoax ever perpetrated against a population, and especially against the sub-population to which I, personally, belong. That sub-population is the 25% of us who are “night people.” We prefer to go to bed a bit later and sleep in, in the morning. The other 75%, of course, are “early risers.” I do not represent them in this argument. However, the logic of what I have to say applies to all. The great hoax, to which I refer, is none other than the Great Daylight Savings Hoax.

The half-wits who dreamed up this hoax, forgot to dream up a mystical daylight hours money box. Even if they had thought of this in passing, they still did not dream up a way of truly putting daylight time into this money box and a way of making withdrawals of some or all of these daylight hours in times of scarcity or urgent need of daylight.

What did the half-wits do; they compelled people who did not have a morning surplus, to displace some of their daylight onto the afternoon which already had a surplus. This way, they deprived us “night people” of a decent night’s sleep, because the business day had already begun by the time we were trying to wipe the sleep sand out of the corners of our eyes. “But, but, but, you’ll have time to have a round of golf before tea,” they argued. Well, I don’t play golf; I can’t afford it, and in any case, even if I could afford it, it would still be a gross waste of time. So, why would any reasonable person with at least three neurons to rub together, want to save daylight from one period just to completely waste it and squander it thoughtlessly in another period. That is not the way that savings work!

If that were not bad enough, the half-wits committed another crime against humanity in the process. Well, by humanity, I mean the sub-population of us (no, this is a different sub-population, but sometimes the two overlap) who are what the politically correct buffoons like to label “pigmentally challenged.” By that, I mean that even if we spent 106 hours per day in the “saved up” daylight and sunshine, we would never get a tan. We don’t want or need extra daylight hours, no matter where they are stolen from. What we need is less daylight, so that we can walk the streets like everyone else and have the security of not getting sunburnt.

Daylight savings half-wits can rot in hell, where there is permanent, total, non-interruptable daylight.


Battler

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