Ticking Bomb Alert in Darwin

The Royal Darwin Hospital cardiac department has been placed on a war footing for the remainder of 2008 due to a predicted outbreak of ticker collapse among junketing former Howard government members. Medical tests have revealed a staggering number of Howard's former attack warriors have developed weak tickers and are not expected to last the distance . Sadly, these sickly pollies , on farewell visits to Darwin , indulging themselves on mango and barramundi muffins , could suddenly topple over like Sadam Hussein's Baghdad statue , in the process inserting a manicured digit up the fundamental orifice of a mean , snoozing Crocodylus Park inmate . This highly dangerous act will result in numerous politicians , their right wings torn off , being rushed to hospital in a fleet of Mr Whippy vans. Naturally , the RSPCA, Buddhists, over- worked hospital staff and molested crocodiles will be outraged by the shocking behaviour of the afflicted politicians. One brave politician diagnosed by medical school dropout , Doctor Horatio Howard , as not having the ticker , the former ALP leader Kim " Bomber " Beazley , made a remarkable cardiac recovery . Each day he lifts an Abrams tank by its turret with his teeth . At the same time , he stands on one leg and juggles 10 live hand – grenades while sharing a jug of carrot juice in a swank restaurant with a well - known , anonymous , masked WA lobbyist who has leprosy, halitosis , footrot and the world's largest collection of penny blacks . Beazley attributes his improved cardiac health to a weeping Russian icon he bought at a KGB closing down sale.

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