Stuff Unspeakable Adams ?

The nation should be prepared for the sad demise of the esteemed writer and national treasure , Phillip Adams .

Adams admits to not having been of robust health for many months. Recently he has been going on about death , especially his . Ominiously , he let slip that he gets hot flushes on espying orchids , an alarming sign which indicates he is suffering from advanced corsage wilt or the dreaded instant compost syndrome. I am an avid fan of his , read his every word and listen to him on the ABC late at night in a near comatose state. On the annoying occasions that the Weekend Australian arrives without the magazine containing Phil’s column imbedded in the derriere , I become morose and grumpy . Having had a triple bypass and slightly older than Phil, his talk of imminent departure makes me reach for the beta blockers and check that the phone has not been cut off for non-payment of the account. It is no use saying God forbid Adams’s death because he does not believe in Divinity , intelligent design , aliens from outer space and tooth fairies .

Seriously , what should be done when our Phil exits left ? He is no ordinary mortal and deserves a fitting grand finale . Naturally , there will be a state funeral. But after that ? Several immediate ideas spring to mind . Because of his fascination with the Egyptian underworld , perhaps a monument carved from the first block of Hunter Valley clean coal ,in the style of a proboscis restored Sphinx , with the body of a waltzing wombat . This ornate sarcophagus could be placed in the middle of Lake Burley Griffin to give Canberra a touch of Camelot. Admittedly , there is one major flaw in a coal capsule: he may have to be kept on ice longer than Walt Disney waiting for black coal to become environmentally green . A sporting alternative , which would no doubt receive the nation’s approval seeing our cricketers are on the nose , is that he be stuffed by an equine expert and placed in a glass case near the great Kiwi / Australian racehorse , Phar Lap. His longtime buddy , Gerard Henderson , moulded from a huge blob of ABC playdough near its use by date , could be shown following Adams , disciple like , a long-handled shovel at the ready. Just imagine the awesome spectacle that would be created if the late Padraic McGuinness , recast in recycled Quadrant papier mache , kitted out like a jockey, could be accommodated somehow in the same glass case . This corpulent cluster could be identified as the Three Amigos , but in this litigious age might result in a writ from Telstra or an accusation of plagiarism . A plaque made from compressed Tasmanian Huon Pine woodchips , describing the trio as The Three Wise Men , would surely receive universal acclaim .

Cyclops